Yoshi’s Cookie: National Treasure – PART 1 – Game Grumps VS


♫ In this corner Grump ♫
Arin: I’m a Grump! ♫ In the other corner Not-So-Grump ♫ ♫ It’s Game Grumps VS ♫
[cheering] Arin: Licensed from…
[Danny stammers incoherently] Arin: Bullet Proof Software created Hatris. [Dan laughs] Dan: It is… Dan: Possibly five in the morning right now. Arin: It’s… it’s Tetris with hats. Dan: We have been playing video games for, fuckin’… what feels like weeks. Dan: Arin and I are completely delirious. Let’s play FUCKING Yoshi’s Cookie! Arin: All right, man.
Dan: Let’s do it. We don’t need a demo! Arin: Whatever.
Dan: We know how to line up cookies! Dan: We don’t need this— Arin: All right.
Dan: All right. Dan: I’m on the left, you’re on the right. Dan: We’re fuckin’ makin’ cookies. Arin: Radi-cool. Dan: Radi– okay. Dan: Li– lining up those cooks. Arin: [mumbling] I’m the fuckin’ master of Yoshi’s cookie, you don’t even know. Dan: Are you, you fuckin’– Arin: You have no fucking idea how good I am at this game! Dan: Dude, you don’t even understand my cookie game, bro. Arin: [mumbling] All right, well you can go ahead and believe that, but… Dan: Oh, I do.
Arin: [mumbling] The truth is… Dan: Boom. Dan: That fuckin’… Dan: That wet your tasty whistle? Arin: Yes. No. [Dan chuckles]
Arin: Possibly. Dan: Ugh, this is taking one million percent of my concentration right now. Arin: All right, for me though, I could fuckin’ tell my life story, here we go: Dan: Really? Arin: At age six, I was born without a face. [Dan laughs] [Dan continues to laugh] Arin: My dad… [Dan and Arin both laugh]
Dan: What the fuck? Arin: There’s like twenty absurdities in that sentence! [Dan laughs] Arin: My dad told me that I would be accepted as I am, as a true man. Arin: Little did he know that that wouldn’t be the case, actually [Arin stammers] Arin: He didn’t lie, he just didn’t know. Dan: Yeah. Dan: What a beautiful tale. Arin: Thanks. Dan: WHAT the fuck is this?! Dan: Oh, are you serious? You gotta guess? Arin: What the fuck are you doing, dude? Dan: I don’t know! What’s happening? Arin: What the hell? Dan: Oh, I think you did something, you activated something that made it harder for me. Arin: I activated my trap hole card. Dan: Eh, what’s that? Arin: My trap card. Dan: Uhh…
Arin: Sorry, I didn’t, I didn’t mean to get too Yu-Gi-Oh on you. Dan: Aw yeah, I don’t know what Yu-Gi-Oh means or is. Arin: Yu-Gi-Oh means “let’s play” in Japanese. [buzzer sound effect]
Dan: Does it really? Arin: I think so. I don’t know. Arin: Do you know what Yu-Gi-Oh means in German? Dan: Uh, probably something to deal with scheisse-r movies. Arin: it just means… It just means Yu-Gi-Oh. Dan: Yeah.
Arin: it doesn’t mean anything, so they just say “Yu-Gi-Oh.” [Dan laughs] Dan: [exhaling] Whoof… [Arin laughs] Dan: Woo! Arin: [exasperated] Okay! [Arin shout-coughs] Arin: Sorry. Dan: This is super intense right now. Arin: When’s the last time that you… Dan: Uh-huh. Arin: Parked your car in a– in a bad neighborhood? Dan: Uh, probably when I lived in Philly. Arin: Yeah? Dan: No, when I parked too far from Little Tokyo. Dan: And, uh… Arin: What the fuck?… Dan: And it was, it was just bad. Dan: Dude, this is a fuckin’ serious game we got goin’ on right now. Arin: The game was just playing itself. Dan: Was it really? Arin: I’m not gonna lie, the game was just playing itself. Dan: Uh, this game is so good… Dan: …It plays itself. Arin: [mumbling] Did you ever… did you ever wonder what it was like to be a girl? Dan: Nope. Arin: [mumbling] And then… and then ask a girl, like, “what’s it like?’ Arin: [mumbling] And then they could tell you, but you wouldn’t get it, cause you’ve never been a girl. Dan: Yeah, I didn’t do that, Arin. Did, perhaps, you? Dan: Cause that was a very specific recounting of a hypothetical tale. Arin: [mumbling] Anyway… [Dan laughs] Arin: I was curious about– Arin: Why is the game playing itself?! Arin: It’s playing itself on your screen, isn’t it?
Dan: Yeah!! Dan: No, I was playing it! Arin; What the f— what?! Dan: Are you not playing this game? Arin: No, I was playing it, well– how did you win?! Dan: Because there’s a little counter in the middle. Dan: And I won, I won by the slimmest of margins. Arin: The game– Dan: What do you mean, how did I win? I fuckin’ made more awesome cookies than you, bro! Arin: I’m… Arin: Honestly, I’m actually a little scared. Dan: You gotta row up those cookies if you wanna, fuckin’… Dan: …run with the big dogs. Dan: Of the… of the cookie world. Arin: Right now you’re just saying words. And I gotta say… Arin: I’m confused as to why…
[Dan laughs] Arin: Oh, is it this thing that’s above there that says, like, “blind” and shit? Dan: What?
Arin: Is that what that is? Dan: What are you talking about? Arin: it’s like bonuses, I don’t know. Dan: I haven’t quite figured out what… Dan: …what those do yet. Arin: All right. Dan: Apparently you’re– mI’m the slave. Dan: Which I guess would make you the master. Arin: [mumbling] That’s obvious. [Dan scoffs] Arin: [mumbling] You don’t need to, you don’t need to tell me that. I already know. Dan: Okay. Dan: Wuh! Dan: Uh-oh! Arin: Tell me a story, Dan. Dan: Okay. Dan: Once upon a time, these cookies… [Arin snickers] Dan: Right? [Arin laughs] Arin: [loud and mad] Why? Why?? It’s playing itself! Dan: Aw dude, I must have activated some kind of awesome shit. Arin: It’s playing itself! Dan: Yeah. Dan: That’s awesome. Arin: I think– yeah, it was, YOU were controlling it. Dan: Oh, no shit! Arin: Yeah, you were controlling me! Dan: That’s funny. Arin: No it’s not, it’s– it’s awful! Dan: I love it. Arin: Would you stop? Dan: Dude…
Arin: You’re a patron. Dan: I’m… Dan: I’m absolutely taking you to fuckin’ cookie school. Arin: [mumbling] Good, maybe I’ll learn to make better cookies, then. Dan: That’s what– well, you’ll have to! Dan: If you, if you wanna run with the fuckin’… Arin: Devil?
Dan: Y-yeah… Dan: I was, like, I was gonna say the Cookie Mafia.
Arin: [mumbling] In that classic Van Halen song? Dan: Dude, I had dealings with the Cookie Mafia once. Arin: Yeah? Dan: Way cooler than the real Mafia. Dan: Oh, Jesus! Dan: You fucked my shit all up! Arin: That’s right I did. Dan: Ahhh, what’s that– oh. Arin: My penis went directly in that shit. Dan: Don’t put your penis in the cookie batter. Arin: What? Why not?
Dan: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Arin: I’ve said it may times. Dan: Yeah.
Arin: And, and I say it every time. Dan: Yeah, don’t do it.
Arin: Do it. Dan: Don’t! Arin: Do it all the time.
Dan: Don’t do it! Arin: Hey!
Dan: Stop with this shit! Arin: Recommendation. Dan: Uhh, I’m freakin’ out over here. Arin: Oh, it’s the Yoshi heads that give you a bonus. Dan: Oh really? Arin: Yeah, it like, sends a special thing over to you. Dan: Ohh. Arin: I think? Maybe not. Maybe I’m, maybe I’m bullshitting. Dan: Maybe you just have to, like, get a certain amount of… Dan: …things happening at once. Arin: Have you ever been so sick that you just shit your pants? Dan: Sure! Arin: Really? Dan: I mean, sure… Dan: Depends what kind of sickness you have. If it’s a stomach sickness, yeah. Arin: Oh! Well, yeah… Well, no, like a cold. Dan: A?… [laughs] No! Arin: I just got… everything got fucked up. Arin: [mumbling] Literally everything got fucked up, I don’t know… Dan: Why would you shit your pants from a cold?! Arin: Because it hurts too much! Dan: [laughs] What are you talking about? Arin: If you have a cold, and it’s too much cold for you to handle, then… Dan: Then you just shit your pants? It’s like your go-to way of dealing with– Dan: FUCK!! Arin: It’s like a defense mechanism, I don’t know. Dan: Oh, man… Dan: That’s… that’s a hell of a defense mechanism. Dan: Like you’re getting attacked by wild animals, and you’re like, “oh yeah?” [makes shit noise] Arin: I know I asked you this before, but I really wanna know your opinion. Dan: Tell me. Arin: You ever think of what Randy Quaid fucks like? Dan: No… [Dan laughs] Dan: I don’t, actually. Arin: Do you think he’s got, like… Arin: [mumbling] Do you think he’s got, like, a monster… wee-wee? Dan: As a matter of fact–
Arin: i don’t wanna say cock. Dan: [laughs] You just did. Arin: [mumbling] That’s open to interpretation. Dan: [laughs] It’s not! Dan: Um… Dan: Yeah, what, what did you think Randy Quaid would sound like when he was having sex? Dan: Refresh my memory? Arin: Oh, it could be like… [Dan snickers] Arin: [Randy Quaid impression] All right, you alien assholes! I’m BAAACK!! [Dan laughs] Arin: Do you think that his… do you think that his ex-wife calls him Randall? Dan: Randall? I don’t know! Arin: Did you know that he’s on, like, the run from the… the U.S. government? Dan: Yeah, which is good, because if he ever heard this, he’d be comin’ after us pretty hard. Arin: Yeah, and he’d be like, [Randy Quaid impression] All right, you Game Grumps assholes! Arin: [Randy Quaid] …I’m HERE for the first time!!
Dan: Yeah! Dan; Wow, Randy Quaid, wanna do Guest Grumps? And he’s like… Dan: [Randy Quaid impression] Yeah, I guess! [Arin laughs] Dan: [Randy Quaid] Make it fast, I’m wanted by the law!
[Arin laughs] Arin: [Randy Quaid] Yeah, I guess… Grumps! Ha ha ha! Dan: We’ll be like, “Randy Quaid, you were born for this.” [Dan and Arin snicker] Arin: It’s like… [Randy Quaid] I was also born to fuck! Arin: [Randy Quaid, but breaking] You ever wonder what it’s like to fuck… Dan: Were they…
Arin: [Quaid] With me?! Dan: Uh…
Arin: [Quaid] Randall Quaid?! Dan: And we’d be like… Dan: Do you think maybe Dennis could take your place? Dan: Cause Dennis seems like the much more chill of you two. Arin: Are they brothers? Dan: They are brothers. Arin: How come Dennis Quaid’s mouth is so big? Dan: I don’t know. Dan: How come he’s, like, way handsomer than Randy Quaid? Arin: [mumbling] I dunno, he got– Dan: Randy Quaid looks like a pile of dogshit next to Dennis Quaid.
[Arin laughs] Dan: Yeah, I said it! Dan: I went there!
[Arin keeps laughing] Dan: Fuckin’, I’ll make that controversial statement about the Quaid brothers. Dan: Stop with this shit. Dan: It has– this cookie fuckin’ shenanigans has to stop. Arin: Does it? Dan: It does. Arin: I think that’s… I thank that’s, uh… Dan: I’ve almost won this game. Arin: Problematic.
Dan: I won this game. Dan: No I’m not, somehow I lost a bunch of shit. Dan: I blame you, Arin. Dan: I blame you, Dennis Quaid. Dan: The hell you doin’. Dan: Stop! Stop! Dan: Stop, Arin, why! Arin: Did you ever think what would be… Arin: What would happen if they changed the title of Dragonheart to Dragonfart? Dan: [laughs] Yeah, it’d be a way…
[Arin laughs] Dan: …way better movie. Arin: Do you remember– who was the voice– it was Sean Connery! Dan: Sean Connery. I won! Arin: Draco. Dan: Draco? Arin: [mumbling] That was his name. Dan: Like, from fuckin’… Arin: [mumbling] Harry Potter? Dan: And My Immortal? Arin: [mumbling] My Immortal?
Dan: Yeah. Arin: No…
Dan: Bro, I’m just one… Arin: I’m talk…
Dan: …win away! Arin: I’m talking about Draco. Dan: …from bein’ the fuckin’ cookie king! Arin: No you’re not.
Dan: Yeah. Arin: How the fuck did you win that one? Dan: Because I fucking own you in the cookie game! Arin: I got, I got so many double shots, dude. Dan: I know. Arin: I don’t know how it happened. Dan: Like… a double shot of espresso? Dan: Like s– Like one of those, and you were all jacked up? Dan: On… on pure Quaid juice? [Dan snickers] [Dan snickers again] Arin: Do you think…
Dan: Do you think– yeah! [laughs] I was— Dan: Do you think after they cum on a girl, they’re just like… Dan: Yeah, you got some Quaid on you. [Arin chuckles] Dan: Fuckin’… Dan: Here, hold on, lemme get you a towel for that Quaid… Arin: I wanna take a Quaalude. Dan: I don’t even think they make ’em anymore. Arin: [mumbling] They don’t. They’re illegal. Dan: Well they were always illegal, but, like, they were drugs people did in the 70’s. Arin: [mumbling] Yeah, but they don’t work any more. Dan: They– I’m sure they work. Arin: Probably– stop taking control of my controller. Dan: Is that me doing that? Arin: I’m sick of you, I’m– Yes! Stop it!! Dan: Killer. Arin: The fuck, man. Dan: Bro, this is awesome. Dan: I’m absolutely fuckin’ rockin’ your shit apart. Arin: I hate… Dan: I’m not, I’m actually losing [laughs] I looked over at the screen. Arin: What? Really?
Dan: Yeah. Arin: Oh, is the center bar our… Arin: …goodness?
Dan: Did you just realize– [laughs] Dan: Our goodness? Arin: Well I don’t know, I just been fuckin’ payin’ attention to playin’ the game…
Dan: Yeah– Arin: Lookin’ at our scores…
Dan: I’ve been makin’ cookies, bro! Dan: Yeah…
Arin: This isn’t a dick measuring contest, it’s a cookie measuring contest. Dan: I mean, it’s kind of… everything’s a dick measuring contest. Arin: Get your shit together. Dan: Anytime you say the word ‘versus,’ it’s a dick measuring contest. Arin: [mumbling] All right. About how big. Dan: What’s that? Arin: How big’s your dick, bro? Dan: I, I guess like, seven and a three quarters? Arin: No homo. Dan: No homo at all. Arin: How big’s your dick? Dan: [laughs] I just told you. Arin: What? Dan: Nothin’. Arin: It’s… you said seven? Dan: And three quarters. Not that I’ve measured recently. Arin; Like, three quarters as in three quarters of an inch, or three actual quarters? [Dan laughs] Dan: Yeah, I got money on the end of it, to like, help entice… Dan: Entice girls… Arin: [mumbling] Did you wanna know… Dan: Like, you want some of this hard dick, and also seventy-five cents? Dan: I don’t… that’s, that’s some pretty shallow stuff. Dan: God damn it! Arin: You know what else is shallow? Dan: What’s that, Arin? Arin: Pool! [Dan snorts] Arin: [through laughter] At the shallow part. Dan: Yeah, I got that. Arin: Okay. Dan: Wow. Arin: Why are we playing this game? Dan: I could– I fuckin’ love this game! Arin: I do, I–
Dan: And it’s makin’ me hungry for cookies. Arin: Honestly? Dan: Yeah? Arin: I really do like it. Dan: Yeah, me too. It’s wonderful. Arin: I’m like, super into this right now. Dan: Mm-hmm. Arin: Except–
Dan: Damn it! Arin: Oh, I’m so glad I won. Dan: Fuck me! Arin: I won on behalf of Randy Quaids around the world. Dan: It’s gonna be– Yeah, you’re playing for Randy Quaid, I’m playing for Dennis Quaid. Arin: All right.
Dan: Here’s the final battle to… to… Dan: …to do it all. Dragonheart! Arin: Question. This one is gonna change the face of America. Dan: What?
Arin: How many Randy Quaids do you think there are in the world? Dan: Uh, probably just one. Arin: [mumbling] No, there’s… there’s… seven. Dan: Y-you really think you, you, there’s fuckin’, have Randy Quaids, like… around? Arin: [mumbling] There’s at least seven. Dan: And like, you think, you think… Dan: You think a man like that is just easily replaceable? He’s not. Dan: Randy Quaid is a fuckin’ national treasure that is currently in Canada because of his problems with the law. [Dan and Arin laugh] Arin: He’s a national treasure. Dan: Yeah, and he– and for another nation. Dan: He’s multiple national treasures. [Arin chuckles] Arin: Do you think when Randy Quaid went on the run from, like– Dan: The fuck is– stop with this shit! Arin: Do you think when Randy Quaid…
Dan: Whoa! Arin: …went on the run from the cops. Dan: Uh-huh.
Arin: That he was like… Arin: His agent was like, “well, shit.” [Dan and Arin laugh] Dan: Pretty sure his agent was exactly like that.
[Arin continues to laugh] Arin: Like, like, not even like, “Aw man, Randy, we gotta help you, we gotta get this sorted,” Arin: He was just like–
Dan: Welp. Arin: Aw, fuck… Dan: There goes Quaid. [Arin snickers] Dan: Looks like I got some Quaid on me. Arin: Quaid away. Arin: [mumbling] You get it? Dan: I do. Dan: I mean you, fuckin’, have nailed it yet again, my friend. Arin: [mumbling] Listen…
Dan: God damn it… Dan: I hate it when they don’t line up at all. Arin: [mumbling] I know.
Dan: And you gotta fuckin’… Dan: Knock your junk around just to get ’em right. Arin: [mumbling] You gotta shoot ’em in the back of the head. Dan: Whoaa. That’s a huge leap right there. Arin: [mumbling] Look man, if you wanna take out a Yoshi, you gotta take ’em all out at the same time, am I right? Dan: Have we said anything that’s made sense this entire fuckin’ playthrough? Arin: [mumbling] Yeah. E equals MC squared. Dan: That… Dan: …it’s incredibly insightful of you. Arin: That– it’s not insightful, it’s just the truth. Dan: Ugh. Arin: E equals MC squared, that’s… Arin: Uh, math…
Dan: No!! Arin: Mass equals weight times… Dan: Stooop!! Arin: Energy… Arin: What, what is it? Arin: The energy equals–
Dan: You’re gonna fuckin’ ask me what… Arin: Mass…
Dan: Einstein’s… Dan: Thing, from, is right now? Arin: Energy equals mass times acceleration. Dan: Yeah, good. Dan: That’s what I wanted you to say. That’s what they want you to think. Dan: The government…
Arin: [mumbling] You know who came up with that? Dan: What’s that? Arin: You know who came up with that? Dan: Albert Feinstein? Arin: It’s Qu-Quaid. [Arin laughs]
Dan: Yeah. Dennis Quaid. Arin: No!– Randy! Dan: Aw– No, Dennis! Arin: No! Dan: Dennis!…
Arin: No. Dan: Aw, you won.
Arin: That’s right I did. Dan: Fuckin’ Randy Quaid wins again. [children cheer]
Arin: Oh, he’s the fuckin’ victor of this specific match. Dan: [mumbling] This is bullshit. Arin: My name is motherfuckin’ Victor Popov of Russia… Dan: I challenge you to a fuckin’, like, even more exhausted rematch. Dan: You fuckin’ ready? Arin: [mumbling] You’re dead. Dan: You get a– no, you’re dead. Arin: [mumbling] Next time. Dan: Next time on Game Grumps. Arin: Next time you’re gonna die. Dan: [mumbling] You’re gonna fuckin’… fuck… you’re dead. [deep breath] Dan: Let’s do it! Arin: [mumbing] How many times have I told you… Arin: [mumbling] …that you’re beautiful? Dan: [mumbling] Not enough… Dan: Am I? [CRT turning off sound] Arin: [whispering] Don’t say anything. [Dan and Arin both laugh quietly]

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