I AM BREAD but I will never get to be toast


Hey there friends, how’s it going? My name is Kevin and today…. I am bread. I can finally live out my fantasy! Alright, here we go. Play. There’s a story about bread? Yes, I’m interested. Okay, kitchen is the first level, that’s self-explanatory That makes sense. That’s where you generally find bread. I’m liking the realism so far here. It’s pretty good. Wait what? What the hell? Do I have to…what the- Okay, I’ve fallen over and I can’t get up Jesus Christ. Oh my god, I’ve got the knife. Imagine just hearing from the kitchen, “Honey, the bread is armed!” (laughs) How about I cut YOU for once ah? (loud shatter) Oh, I freed the butter. You have been liberated! (Soviet anthem plays) Like it’s timing me, but I don’t know where I’m supposed to go. My edibility is a hundred percent. Okay, I just dropped dramatically Oh, it’s cause I got bones on me or something? What? Oh, yeah, it was a… fish. Not a huge fan of fish bone toast. Ah, being on the floor is bad apparently, especially with these muddy footprints I guess. There we go. Hey fellow kids! (laughs) All right. I think I’d be better off starting again, if I’m honest. I’m just beating my bread to death at the moment. Oh, I gotta make myself toast! Okay, that makes perfect sense! Why didn’t I come to that conclusion by myself? Oh, I see the toaster over there. Okay, AVOID the fish bones. FECK There we go, I’ve made myself a convenient ladder, heheh! Good thing I am some EXTREMELY sticky bread, wait is that bugs? Oh, come on, that’s not my fault! That’s the fecking slob who lives here! I like how I’m still so edible though. Jenga! Oh SHIT Okay, I’m okay. Oh my god, this is risky. Okay can I not… can I not get up now? Jesus Christ. Oh, AGH Okay. Ah! Oh no. Oh no, how am I even doing that?! Run! No, not that way!! Jesus, it’s so confusing… I hate being bread! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Oh my god. This bread has got SERIOUS balance. Oh, I got it, I got it. I hope some delicious toast will make up for the fact that I’ve destroyed their whole kitchen. Uh, ah! Catch on! No, NO, catch on!!! Ah, I’m back to the start… Why is there blood in that pet’s bowl? I hope you have pet insurance. In fact, I hope you just have home insurance because I’m destroying your home. Just go straight over that heat Oh wait, I could toast there, or I could go for the toaster. I say we just go with this. I don’t want to risk ANY more. All right, so now we want to flip, so we’ll simply… We’ll simply… ah… Simply… aghhh Okay, alright, now slither onto the hob, man being bread is stressful! I have a newfound respect for all breads except for porridge bread. I don’t like that It’s an abomination! I am toast! Yay!!! Alright, next day, a new morning, a new slice of bread. It’s time to make a massive improvement. I guess you could say I’m turning over a new loaf (ba dum tss!) Jesus, they’re destroying their own house, look at the state of the place! Savages. Alright, where do I cook myself? I could do it in that heater or maybe in a VCR, just slide in there.The bulb might work. (laughs) Gonna jam myself up. Oh, Jesus! Ah, well,I’m already disgusting now. All I did was jam myself up and then fall in some boot prints. Ah, ah! Oh my god. How did that work? You’d imagine they wouldn’t like fluffy toast either but here I am on the couch. Do you think you just fling myself? I reckon if I got a bit of momentum I could yeah Oh my god, that was awful. Okay, maybe I should make my way to the shelf. Leave go with that broken plate No, don’t leave go of me. Oh my god. I landed dead on a footprint. That’s just instant death. I’m not eating that That’s fair enough at least his standards are pretty low. Like whoever’s eating this toast Honestly, I think I could make a run for that heater. No problem. Wait. Wait, don’t watch don’t watch don’t watch look away look away Wait, I think it made my toast just perfect I can just do anything. No, I don’t want that I want to challenge look at how filthy this toast is getting a but it’s sparkles. So it’s still nice, huh? (sneezes) Oh my god, I was sneezing. I my eyes closed and I actually did a jump Maybe I should just not look at the screen in future I like how you could share on Facebook, imagine all your friends Like I’m just on holiday to the Bahamas and then you’re there like I’m bread guys My family wouldn’t even be surprised They’ll just be like, oh well At least he stopped posting about how he’s killing his sims and he’s the leader of a cult fecking madman. Oh I hope that thing’s not priceless. I just shunted it off. I was like ah it looks like it might not fall He just gave it a little poke. Going toastal, oh god, these people really like toast don’t they toast connoisseurs. Amazing they’ll still eat it with bugs all over it no? like mmm yes Just like mama used to make. Come on books get out of here! I have a job to do shit shit Okay, hold on hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Oh my god. It’s like The Lion King Not as dramatic, okay now we gotta get across there by Christ being bread is so difficult Yeah Yeah Yes, you’ll have delicious toast, but the price is all of your belongings. Toast Buster’s, Jesus Sounds like a Ghostbusters ripoff staring Steven Seagal He’s my favorite c-list actor I’m saying that sarcastically, by the way Before someone actually accuses me I liken the guy cuz he’s a scumbag that bowling balls about to fall on their TV better run quick Jesus Christ, oh, I’ve broken their TV. Oh there goes their treasured family photo of what looks like a rock Oh god, I’m losing my grip. I’m losing my grip No, no, no. No. Oh, okay, Oh, whew, I made it. Oh, I’m so stressed I’m sure I could have feckin cooked myself in different ways, but I’m determined to get to this heater Jesus So stressed, huh? The music is so cheery, and I’m here stressed beyond belief. Alright, that’s our time to rack up a heating bill I’m the best bread ever No, no, oh I made it the whole way around the fecking house. I’m so burnt and that one spot Oh my god, just a perfect burn on that one spot. I didn’t realize it was gonna cook me like that I thought if I was just honored it would count. Ah I’m toast. Oh, I’m so disappointed I made it the whole way around the room and then I fell Jesus that backdrop is like some therapy for this guy. Mr Merton was again too stressed during this session He claimed his lounge had now been broken into he relayed his suspicions and believes he has discovered The culprit is leaving a message by placing a singular slice of toasted bread in the room He claims the kitchen had a similar incident, but it never stood out him at the time. The kitchen was fecking destroyed! Here’s bready! An iron, I could definitely toast myself with that. My god his walls are moldy. Eww, who is this guy? Oh Look at that front corner Jesus. I’m getting good. I reckon I could fling myself that ironing board. Not a bother watch Eh! Aw, I hit it! Get off the ground you fecker get off the ground. Oh I’m dead Well I’m bread, but I’m dead bread Screw your happiness! This guy is going to be really upset His ?? is that he’s going to make a fortune off the book based on this story You can even name the syndrome after himself Even though I don’t know if I’d want a condition that makes the person have bread conspiracies named after me Kevin syndrome Which makes you just obsessed with bread Ehh ya know what I’d probably take it. Im kinda disappointed in myself that I’m actually getting somewhat decent at controlling a slice of bread; Is that a cowbell?! [Cowbell noises] Oh it’s pretty good! I’m actually giving the door now. I think he’d have a proper mental breakdown at that stage I’m still getting like fairly fluffy. I don’t know how or people like fluffy things right like fluffy pets fluffy blankets Fluffy bread. Okay. I’m on a roll. Just keep going. Keep going. Hold on little bread. You can make it I’ve lost my grip but I think I’m good. Oh You think this light can toast me might take a while. I might be here a few hours, right? It might work; okay.. I’m not a strong bit of bread. I need to go to the bread gym Shit shit. Oh my god, if I die now, I’m gonna be so upset Grab onto something grab on I’m not eating that Fecking hell. Your lifestyle is a disaster. Your house is a shithole And you won’t eat this bread. That’s where you draw the line. That’s it. I’m just charging whatever gets in this bread I do not care. Even if it’s shards of glass. What am I stuck on?! Get out of here! The bread is just vibrating now moldy wall, moldy wall, moldy wall. Oh my god. I’m 2% bread I legit just have to try this jump again If I don’t make it, so be it that’s about the best landing strip. I can get let’s go. Oh no Oh God, I made it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no Oh, okay. I mean it okay. It’s an unusual way to do it, but it’s doing it done, oh Very nice the walking bread It was like 2 percent health with glass shards and mold all over it. Alright, let’s go on to the next day in the bathroom Mr. Merton came in very panicked this morning. He told me of his theory that the bread was somehow responsible for the incidents He then described how he placed the loaf of bread in his bedroom and returned from work to find his bedroom had also been upturned With a singular slice of toast sitting amongst the mess. He left saying today would be the day. He was sure his theory is correct Ah, okay. He left me in the medicine cabinet. Someone’s looking for painkillers and they just find a loaf of bread Oh cheery music. Is that a kazoo I hear? ah Nothing better than a kazoo. Oh, I could shoot for the toilet here, huh? Oh shit. It’s still good It’s still good five percent bread. Why does he even have plates and like jam in here? Anyway, do you just have a serving of jam in the bath surprised this guy even washes at all? This place is a feckin mess Shit shit. Oh I’m not eating that he was okay with it until it got a little bit more soggy and then that was too much Oh got myself a little bit wet, that’s okay a little bit of moist is good for you. It is considered a delicacy in France Yes, priceless vace destroyed more room for bread. Oh shit Okay, great exactly. What I wanted to do land on glass shards on the floor. This is not a mistake. This is a strategy. It’s calculated! You know, what? Feck it make me invincible. Come on bread. You can do it. I didn’t hear no Bell Oh, why is my bread not strong enough? Imagine you walked in on this? *Music* ~Nearrrrrr~ *Music* ~Farrrrrr~ This is somehow doing both sides I’m impressed so far the best way to make toast is with a hairdryer Why is it not cooking now? Second ago you were fecking cooking both sides. Now you’re doing feck all cook me. All right Okay. Now it’s doing it. Okay good. You just need to nag it then. It’ll do it kneads improvement. What am I playing? Jesus Christ, it looks like he’s been committed. He’s left me in the dumpster. Apparently. All I’ve done is try and make you brave Why can’t you just accept me for what I am i like how being in here doesn’t degrade the bread at all Even though, I’m literally in the trash *epic music as Bread rises to achieve greatness* Jesus this is quite heroic music all of a sudden where the hell am I going here? I don’t even know what I can cook myself with all I see is a lawnmower. There’s a boiler over there You know what? I think i can make that jump. I believe in myself. And if you believe in yourself you can do anything except that FUCK Oh wait, i think i see a control switch up there. That might just be for the garage door though. Well, what what the hell? What have I done here? Oh, goddamnit. I’ve gotten my bread stuck Aaggh! Jesus Christ! I am mildly Disgruntled That is the button I need but I don’t know if I can do anything if I’m stuck in a fecking shelf Oh, that is quite the nice noise, though *nice noise accompanied by cheerie music* I’m going to have to start again. Ahh- man. I’m so upset. Oh shit, my grip is losing! Ahh Eh Uhh Ehh DHAB-EH Oh? Deh? Eh? Eh-Juh? Okay, I caught on to something. Lesson learned. Just make strange noises if you’re panicking. Fire in the house? Make strange noises. It’s fine. Oh my god. What the hell? I have a lot of licorice. Candy all over me now. Can I still be toasted? Jesus, don’t get stuck again. No, no, come on. Get out of the wall. I think I could swing over here and just yep Yep, there we go. It actually worked for once usually when I make a plan like that it fails drastically. Yeah, that’s right. Perfect Perfect. Very good bread. Oh, no, I don’t think I can actually move the bread It’s moving the ironing board, so I can’t get in a position where I can grip anything this fecking game Jesus Christ My neighbor’s gonna be like police. He’s screaming about bread He sounds extremely distressed make me invulnerable, I Don’t Even care. I’m in this for the story now I love a good bread story to be fair. I’d have the feckin thing completed if I didn’t get stuck in that shelf. Oh my god! Jesus that flip you’d swear. It was skill if you didn’t know who I was Now that is cooking. I know I’m a chef. Now that is a chocolate lava cake… *Splat* Oh, thank god I’m done. I have done for good. I do not want to be bread anymore. It’s it’s suicide by drowning for me There we go. Oh, okay. I’m done Right, I hope you guys enjoyed me being extremely angry at being bread whoever suggested this Why why did you do this to me? But yeah, hope you guys enjoyed I appreciate is always folks and I’ll see you next time. Bye for now Oh, now this is my game mode. This is what I needed. I suddenly feel a whole lot better shoutout to my patrons Nicolas McMichael Nico de block Nichols Coates Niles holder plate their pens American holiness ever scare Randy Drake Rick tater ship Sarah Maxwell Sarah Campbell Sean Fitzgerald Slovenian Sultan Hamid Toni Ferrell Trevor Bruce Vectra Wendy William call dial wu-tang Yale yummy madness save and Zora PRAISE OUR GREAT LEADER! [wut ._.]

100 thoughts on “I AM BREAD but I will never get to be toast

  1. Could you imagine being his neighbor?

    3am and all you hear is “No no no! My bread is soggy now!” “I could shoot for the toilet here…OH SHIT”

  2. for anyone interested, the diagnostic code given to the guy (017.14) is tuberculosis, which is…..nothing to do with bread or anything psychological lmao

  3. "i will never get to be toast" but kevin is legitamately the only youtuber i have seen get past the first level

  4. When I was watching this I'm eating toast and I'm like how far did this toast go to get here what hardships did it face to get here then I'm like who cars then I eat it YUM

  5. The bread is soo sticky its like someone licked it and wet it with their tongue and put it down and their on about its edible 😂😂😂😂👍🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  6. The thing I immediately notice? That on the therapy form there appears to be an ICD-9 diagnosis billing code (though it's ICD-10 now). Fun fact, that code indicates this diagnosis: Erythema nodosum with hypersensitivity reaction in tuberculosis, tubercle bacilli not found (in sputum) by microscopy, but found by bacterial culture.

  7. "The session ended with him angrily stating he was going shopping with the intention to eat himself to death." What else is there in life really?

  8. This was the first video I saw of your Kevin… nice to revisit it after one year had passed thinking about all the stuff that has happened. Like me joining your cult

  9. This is just a scenario where Jim Pickens visits and tells his therapist about a bread destroying and haunting his murder house

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